Home › Forums › Archives › Community Center › Instant Messaging in the Real World › IM at Home › IM response time etiquette
- This topic has 10 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 17 years, 7 months ago by PolarBearNPR.
-
AuthorPosts
-
August 6, 2006 at 6:46 pm #24397TigerbladeParticipant
(I originally posted this on my site, but figured I’d post it here as well.) I felt the need to post this to get other people’s opinions. I just finished having a fairly lengthy argument online about instant messaging conversations. I’ll use the terms “I” and “you” to keep things sensible here. Try to follow along.
My friend feels that if you send me a message (via an IM), I should respond as soon as I can to acknowledge that I got and understood your message. Meaning, it should be like a phone conversation. You say something, I respond, you respond to that, etc and so forth.
I, on the other hand, am more of the opinion that IM conversations need not be like phone conversations. If you send me a message and I have nothing to say in response, I won’t respond right away. It doesn’t mean I’ve left, it doesn’t mean I’m not reading it, it just means I don’t have something to respond with. That’s part of the beauty of online communication. Instant responses aren’t required — you can multitask and respond as you wish when you wish.
Apparently that’s not acceptable to my friend, and despite my efforts to convince her otherwise, she still refused to accept that I cannot and will not respond simply for the sake of responding. An obligatory “mmhmm” is meaningless and worthless to me. One of her arguments was that maybe I just don’t feel like talking to her, hence my lack of responses. I told her that I’ve reached a point where if I don’t want to talk to someone, I’ll just tell them straight out. I’m not gonna beat around the bushes and pretend to ignore them.
So the point of this was to ask for your opinions on this. What’s the proper etiquette for IM conversations? Are immediate responses required, or is my view better?
August 6, 2006 at 11:11 pm #150032PolarBearNPRParticipantBeing new to this mode of conversation, I’m interested to see what folks think. I agree with you however, this isn’t a phone call! We don’t have to keep “uh huhing” just to let folks know we’re still there. And it’s okay to take a break to let the dog out, pick up the phone, post to BBB 😮 , important real-world stuff like that. Of course if someone says Hey – you should say Hey back fairly quickly, but if you’re involved in something else, let them know you’re not completely available for chatting. Most of us are on the computer doing a variety of things from just aimless searching to stuff for work to stuff for family and of course entertainment, too. To expect someone to be at your beck and call (or quack in my case I’ve got Adium) is rude. If she wants phone call etiquette, get on the phone, if not, she’s got to realize that she’s in a room full of people and things that you’re involved with so she will be included, but so will the other things/people around.
Just my humble opinion.
Hey – this would be a good poll question.
August 7, 2006 at 12:21 am #150024TigerbladeParticipantPolarBearNPR wrote:Hey – this would be a good poll question.agreed, and done.
August 7, 2006 at 4:53 am #150023Jeff HesterKeymasterGreat topic! I voted on the last choice (“if you have something to say…”) although I think the reality is a bit more complicated.
If I’m having a conversation with a business associate, I’ll treat it more formally, with responses and a “goodbye” when the conversation has ended.
Often with close friends, it’s just a quick question or statement. I like to respond to their IM (and appreciate a response as well), but I don’t expect nor give a 1:1 response. IM is an informal conversation, not a tennis match!
However…
Because IM is limited to text, the recipient doesn’t have the advantage of seeing the other party and reading their body language (webcams aside). As such, IMs are much more likely to be misinterpreted. I might think that someone is just making a statement, while they might be expecting me to share my opinion. This puts much more importance on wording things carefully.
I’ll also admit that I multi-task. It’s not unusual for me to have 5-10 different windows open at any given time — email, various websites, an editor, IM programs, etc. Often I won’t see that someone has sent me an IM or reply for several minutes, or even longer. Some might consider it impolite, but I believe it depends on the social contract between the two parties chatting.
For example, if the conversation is informal and not particularly serious, or if either party is at work, it’s generally understood (speaking for myself and my contacts) that we will respond when we can, which may not be for 10 minutes or more!
For serious conversations, I’ll close or minimize other windows and focus, or better yet, switch to voice and/or webcam.
Ultimately, it’s our responsibility for communicating. If you expect a response, say so. A question implies a request for response. A statement usually does not.
Finally, use your status indicator! If you’re busy, say so. If you’re away, be sure to state that, too. Using your status appropriately can help alleviate many understandings.
By the way, Tigerblade. I’m featuring this topic in our next podcast… #10!
August 7, 2006 at 6:06 am #150030Eagle_KiwiMemberVERY good topic, Tiger. 🙂
My feeling, based mainly on how I see “most” people doing it, is that yes, IF you choose to show yourself, as Available, then you SHOULD respond within a minute or two maximum to any IM.
When I send an IM to a friend, I usually stop everything else and sit there waiting for / expecting the reply.
If you are NOT prepared to reply immediately, then that’s exactly why most IM programs offer Statuses like “Away”, “Busy”, etc.
If I see you’re Away I may still IM you, but I won’t expect an instant answer.
But if I see you as Busy – then I personally won’t even IM you at all until later, as it would be distracting for you.And I think those broad “rules” are followed by most people I know online – though – many of us move in completely different circles of friends, I guess.
August 7, 2006 at 12:22 pm #150025TigerbladeParticipantThanks for your responses thus far, everyone. I agree about the business conversations, Jeff – if you’re having the equivalent of a meeting or conference or something with a work-related intent, then yes. The responses should be relatively immediate, back and forth.
And I’m also usually multitasking on several different things at once – from posting here, checking/responding to emails, working on websites & uploading, having other conversations, etc. I cannot give 100% of my attention to one IM window.My friend wouldn’t accept that just because I’m listed as “online” doesn’t mean I’m going to be devoting all my time to the IM. (And just for the record… I was actually “Away” throughout this conversation, and my away message read something like “getting some work done”) It’s not that I was ignoring her, just that I either didn’t notice the window flashing, or needed to finish another task first.
She also got mad when I asked if she wanted me to respond just for the sake of it — even though that’s precisely what she had been arguing about the whole time. So when I responded to one of her messages with an immediate “mmhmm” she of course got mad. I simply explained how that would be basically what she’d have to expect if she wanted a response to everything.
Good answers thus far, I’m interested to see what everyone else thinks as well. And now I’m waiting ever so intently for this next podcast too!
August 8, 2006 at 12:55 am #150027RabidKittenParticipantAlong with the vien that Jeff was on…Personally, I have -one- set of IM Handles. I’ve had them for years and years and was never one of those people who changed them every couple or whatnot. I mean, I still use my AIM handle that I first got back when my mother got her first computer and set us up with AOL sign ins. That was 9 years ago!
The problem with this is that I’ll get people from BBB, people from other forums, people asking me about graphics, people asking about art, and people from my pagan study groups and my homegrown community in town IMing me along with friends. And really, if I’m involved in a deep conversation with someone from the ‘business’ side that turns out to be running paragraphs back and forth, my friends IMs are going to suffer and be a little lagged out. And my BIGGEST Problem is when someone gets irritated when it takes me (litterally) three minutes (I love timestamp) to respond.
IM is not a phone conversation, and some converstaions take precedense over others. Seriously. Like a converstaion on the costs of my moving to the cities and how I’m going to do it and the problems with new roomates and organizing that is going to take precedence over a conversation about what kind of pudding I like best. That’s just how it is.
So really, I’m sorry if it takes me (gasp) three minutes to respond, but on average, I have at least 3 ‘business’ based IMs going at once as well as whoever decides to toddle around and have a conversation about what color socks I’m wearing.
That really is my -biggest- peeve with IMs. Impatient people. Drives me -insane-.
August 9, 2006 at 4:06 am #150026TigerbladeParticipantHeh… Jeff’s “loaded question” during the podcast… is gender a factor in this? My answer is that yes, it’s definitely a factor. In my experience, females expect more of a direct, focused conversation while males just skip back and forth between tasks (in real life as well). I don’t know that people can expect others online to be dedicated to that one particular conversation. It’s not like in real life where that person is face-to-face with you and responsible for each moment of the interaction.
August 10, 2006 at 8:40 am #150028sarahtownyMemberIf I use IM at work, generally none of my friends are about at all. As basically everyone I speak to is in the US, I have to wait till late afternoon or evening to talk to them. This has its drawbacks as when they are on line they are generally at work. Except weekends of course.
So for me if I send a hello and don’t get a response, well it is something I have become accustomed to. I just think, well it’s work time for them and leave them alone. I tend to leave the ball in their court so to speak. And no it does not bother me at all.
I am also lucky as most of my friends use the busy or brb headers on IM appropriately. I would also say I probably speak to an average of 3 people all the time, and just the odd conversation with others. Therefore, I can read quite easily if they need leaving alone. Some will giggle at that and say “oh yeah right Sarah”!:p
I on the other hand I am basically terrible if too many contact me at same time, as I get all flustered! So anymore than 3 I will deal with, after that I will respond, but say just busy at the moment. But I would always respond.
August 10, 2006 at 12:54 pm #150031Tea GrannyMemberIt isn’t much of a conversation if it is all one sided. 🙁
It should be clearly established at the outset whether or not you are too busy to talk.
I don’t like hanging there waiting for responses unless I know someone is doing other things like work etc.
If I have to wait for unknown reasons, then I’m left wondering if they even got my message.
If you are too busy, then use your status indicator or say so; I have other things to do to!;)
August 18, 2006 at 8:32 am #150029cowlickMemberI’m a hypocrite:
If I have nothing to say, then I dont say anything, but I prefer to get some kind of reply from people when I send them a message (though I don’t let it get under my skin).
-
AuthorPosts
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.