Billy Connelly

I am a massive fan of Billy, I have quite a few of his dvd’s and watch them now and then. The guy is a comic genius. He is a true Scotsman, and I love the Scottish sense of humour.

I arrived home last night and he was on sat tv, I was bursting with laughter at his show. It was a tour he did over Australia.

Here are a few quotes from the master himself:

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!

Beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes right to the f***ing bone

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it’s on the outside of your ass?

Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.

In Scotland, there is no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes

People who ask, “Can I ask you a question?” Didn’t really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?” If the bus came, would I be standing here, Knobhead

When you’re involved in an accident and someone asks, “Are you alright?” Yes, fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off

People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks, that’s an image I really didn’t need

Marriage is a wonderful invention, but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit