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– Mess Test
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
– Toy Test
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks if you wish). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold and take off shoes. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
– Grocery Store Test
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
– Dressing Test
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
– Feeding Test
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
– Night Test
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful at all times.
– Ingenuity Test
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
– Automobile Test
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the CD player. Take a family-size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a rake along both side of the car. There, perfect!
– Physical Test (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Then remove the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won’t be wearing them for a while.
– Physical Test (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
– Final Assignment
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, and toilet training and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
Ah, Sarah, I hope I’m not being presumptious in assuming that you havn’t had any children yet.
Believe me, all those things that childless poeple tell you to put you off don’t mean a thing in reality because you just get on with it, you have to, and it’s so rewarding, but I think it makes a big difference when the little person making a mess has your face.
You were a baby once too, believe it or not.
sara, if you havent had any kids yet and if you`re putting it off because of these things, DONT!!! i am not going to lie, those things seem to happen, but it is all worth it. i have 5 kids, 4 girls, and 1 boy, and every day is a journey in itself. they are the best, leo is right, they are worth it!!!! every day i thank god that i have them, even though there are some days that i ask god, “why did i have them?” but the good days out weigh the bad days by a long shot!!!
kids make the world go round!!! thats just my point of view on it…Hee hee – Sarah is the mom of the year in the UK fellas! And mom to a couple of kitties as well.
And yeah – that pretty much sums up the joys of parenthood, because through it all you were laughing and playing; eating those chocolate chip cookies, building with the Legos, spending on such seemingly frivilous things that the adorable kid just had to have (your decision!) . . . sometimes I miss those days . . . Thanks for taking me down memory lane . . .
See, I was already pretty decided on the whole ‘no kids for me’ thing… and stuff like this just cements it. 🙂
PolarBearNPR;218781 wrote:sometimes I miss those days . . . Thanks for taking me down memory lane . . .haha me to Polar even though reading it sounds like a nightmare. Now mine are 15 and 9 I have just other things to contend with, the never ending nags about keeping their rooms tidy comes to mind 😉 . But yep would not change them for the world!:)
Yeah, my son Brandon is now 14. No regrets with the diapers, sleepless nights, etc. Fatherhood is a real joy and I have no misgivings about it.
*twitch* It’s…so true. *twitch…twitch* And I just /live/ with kids. *twitch* I actually did find a fishstick behind the couch yesterday. Thankfully most of the time the dogs clean up what the baby throws.
I live with a 7 year old, a 4 year old who’s slightly learning disabled and has a speech issue and a 15 month old. *twitch* I’m a live-in nanny for my not-nephews. *twitch*
Thankfully sometimes their parents watch them *twitch* It’s amazing when I think about it…and have to wonder if I was ever like that. Mostly because my dad would’ve beaten us senseless *laughs* I know my siblings weren’t because I raised them, but still, whoo, there are moments when I stop twitching. Like when I was leaving the house and the 15 month old crawled over to me and wanted a hug goodbye.
Still, none for me. I’ll stick to nephews. *chuckles*
Funny Sarah! Fantastic find.
Ah, Rabidkitten, such a sad post .
Sarah, my apologies for my presumption in thinking you didn’t have children and not getting the joke.
Mine are [nearly] 16, 14 and 8, and whilst it’s hard to make the elder two communicate anything worthwhile or non-monosyllabic my youngest never shuts up! Believe it or not the teenageers were just like him at that age!
Makes me wish I could keep William at the age he is forever!
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