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August 15, 2005 at 12:16 am #19410detn8rParticipant
Hey everyone, I need some advice…
There is this woman that lives in my town. She has just been through a second divorce (second being from someone she met online). She is in the process of selling her house and the ‘heart ache’ of her husband cheating on her.
She has three kids (that I know of). Two, my age from her first marriage, and a third from her second. Around two weeks ago, when she came to get gas (I work at a gas station), she hopped out of her van and instantly said to me “Hey Graham, you like movies right?” Well, I obviously say yes, where as next she asks me if I wanted to watch one with her, as friends seeing as she doesn’t have any she can confide in.
Now, I’m not the type of person to shut someone out. I personally don’t have the heart for that, so I say yes. She then told me, not as a date or anything, just “as friends”. But then I remember about a week before that, out of the blue she asked me how old I was. When I told her 18, she said “oh, I though you were like 22, or 23.” I’m starting to put something together here.
This woman is roughly 45. Her last husband she met from Porto Rico. He’s 25. He divorced her the year he got his Canadian citizenship. Go figure. She is also very over weight, and likes to wear things that aren’t very pleasing to the eye if you know what I mean. So, she does get a laugh from people in the town, including my parents.
She phoned me at work this afternoon. Yeah, she phoned MY work to ask me if I wanted to watch a movie with her. Now I assume she meant the movies. No, she wanted me to rent one from my store and go to her house. She asked me to be there at 8pm. Right now, it’s just a few past 8. When I told my parents my mom sorta freaked and flat out told me I wasn’t going. I feel guilty because of this. Every time I look at the clock I feel worse. Yet, I don’t want to know. Why would a 45 year old person take confinement in an 18 year old kid? I thought being a good Christian, I should go as a possible friend. I don’t really consider my self her friend. She’s a customer of my store. Sure I talk with her when she comes in, but that’s all. And when she does come in, she plays a sort of guilt trip on who ever is working by getting all sad and depressed (which I’m sure she is) and starts to cry and tells her life story about what happened to her and her last husband).
I’ve just been through about 6 months in my life of being depressed and learning and building on my life. Then, if someone was in that same mood I would be drawn into it. I don’t want that to happen to me again. I feel that I am strong, but someone as weak as her I feel it could happen. Also, as much as I don’t want to deal with it, I can’t help but feel sorry for her and have a soft spot for it.
But where is it that I stand? I don’t know what I am supposed to do. It’s now 8:12 and I’m not going to her house. I don’t know where she lives, although I have a rough idea, I don’t know her phone number and she doesn’t know that I’m not coming.
I’m starting to feel a bit guilty, and I don’t feel that I should. Does anyone have any advice as to what I should do or say to this woman? I don’t want her to confide in me. I don’t have the experiences to offer her any advice into what she is dealing with. And I don’t want to listen to her problems. All I can do is lend an ear, and to me, that just puts bad images into my mind that I don’t need, especially at my age.
WHAT am I to do? Anyone please offer any advice to me?
August 15, 2005 at 12:49 am #127542neo_ny_23MemberHey man, sorry to hear about it. Umm you have a perfect excuse of not being able to make to her home and those excuses are: 1) You dont know whats her exact home address. 2)You dont have her phone number so you cant call her to ask her address, and 3)she didnt call u back at night to help u with the address and phone number whatever.
About in future, all you can do is to say if she asks like “what are you gonna do this evening or that weekend?” just say “Oh me and my friends are going for camping and we are having a wonderful party and just say, oh i hv a date!”. Frankly, i understand that she has her problems but she shuld be sharing them with some one of HER age group, not of your age group. So, its not your fault if you avoid her and stop thinking about her problems. Frankly, except for friendship there cant be anything more than between a 45 year old girl and a 18 year old guy. I hope she understands that too. All you can do is make her feel that you are busy with your friends and she shuld get the message. Dont be over sympathetic, because if you be soft, you will be the one who will end up in deeper problems.
I dont know if whatever I said here is appropriate but had i been at your shoes, I would have avoided her or just been casual friends with her. Good luck man.
August 15, 2005 at 12:56 am #127538TigerbladeParticipanthonesty is usually the best policy. if she asks why, just tell her the simple truth that your parents weren’t comfortable with you going over to the house of a single, lonely woman who’s over double your age. If she insists it was nothing more than a movie, etc… just tell her you’re not really comfortable with it, seeing as you don’t know her particularly well.
sounds like she’s going through a very difficult time, but yes she needs to seek help from people closer to her own age and not from people who are young enough to be her children. If she wants to talk about her life with you as a friend, suggest a public place – a park, or a restaurant, or somewhere other than her home. that has bad idea written all over it.August 15, 2005 at 1:01 am #127544gossipingraeMemberWoah man. She’s old enough to be your mom! To me, I don’t have any friends who are old enough to be my parents. I have 2 rents, that’s enough for me.
And I wouldn’t tell her things or listen to her outside of your place of employment. If it seems she is hanging around (more than 10-15 minutes, depending on what your job is), I would politely tell the woman that it was nice chatting with her, but you have to get back to work. If she doesn’t get the hint, tell your manager. They will take care of it for you.
You should just tell the lady that you are simply not interested “as friends” or whatever. And you’re right, she SHOULD be talking to more people her age. It’s not fair to you that she’s dumping her life problems on your shoulders.
This doesn’t sound very professional of me, as someone who is a Communications student, but if someone ever comes up to me and hangs out for a while, I pretend I’m listening by nodding my head or saying “Mmmhmm” or whatever. And I actually think of what I can do to politely leave. That usually works.
If all else fails and this woman is a weirdo, get your parents help. Tough situation, buddy. That’s what I would do.
August 15, 2005 at 1:58 am #127533OreoMemberThis is one of the “OHHHH GEEEZ!” situation. One, telling her “Whoa lady you are WAY too old,” is just going to make her feel worse. Obviously, she has somem self esteem problems, which probably led to her weight which I’m sure added to her esteem problems. First when you said her hubby was from PR and ditched her after his citizenship, I thought “HEY…PR is considered the USA he does not need to marry anyone for citizenship.” But yeah, Canada is not part of the US…but I will tell you one thing, if some one used you for a “green card” (as we call them here) how the heck would you feel? Alone at 45, no one but your kids and twice divorced.
It is sad, but, you are 18 and have your life ahead of you. Maybe, she really was not comfortable with YOU coming over, hence she did not call you back nor give you her exact address. Perhaps she re-thought what she was doing. Also, coming to your job is not the best thing for your job. It’s one of those things where there is a certain amount of professionalism you have to uphold. (It’s that easy to tell her.) There’s nothing wrong going out for a coffee once every month or two. I don’t think I would let it go farther than that.
If you do not feel comfortable with this woman, you may just want to ask her why she chose you. Also, as Tiger mentioned, when she asks what you are doing, mention all of the things you are doing with your friends. You have so little freetime as it is with your friends, why would you spend it with a 45 year old?
The fact that you are compassionate, that’s a GOOD thing. Do not feel strange about that. It shows you are a genuine and good person. You need to stand back in situations like these in future though, I look at the big picture. You can tell you that you understand what she’s going through and that things will get better. But, really, you do not need to go any further than that. Showing her some kindness might be the one glint of light she has at the moment; however, you do not need to try to “save” her. Only SHE can do that. 🙂 I hope this helps somewhat. I just returned from a Spanish restaurant after having paella, sangria and 43….so my head’s swimming. But remember you will get through this…and so will she….with or without you. 🙂August 15, 2005 at 6:31 pm #127547AqeelParticipantAll this shows that you’re a sympathetic and kind at heart person but this relation is not so pleasent. Treat her kindly but as Tiger is saying honesty is the best policy, but honesty is not so best in this case.
While if you tell her that she is too aged to be a friend then… it woul hurt her but her into further deeper emotional trouble. If you do have sympathy with her the as Oreo suggests meet her at some public place. Do listen to her problems, give her company for sometime.
Think she is alone that she is even trying to find company with in a teenager.:)August 15, 2005 at 7:34 pm #127535EEDOKMemberHere’s the easy way out: “Sorry can’t come today, got another movie to go to with my new (around my age)girlfriend.”
August 15, 2005 at 9:48 pm #127527Jeff HesterKeymasterShe’s on the rebound, you’re available and willing to listen, so naturally she would settle for you to keep her company whether as a friend or *yikes* even more. Anyway earlier someone said honesty is the best policy, well why don’t you just ask her why she keeps inviting you, in a nice tone of voice and then just say you’re curious to know, again in a innocent question way, not in an accusing way. Best way to know what is it she’s after. You can always keep your distance and just cheer her up with “things will get better, just think positive, and stay strong” and little words to lift her spirit up. As far as going to her house, that’s a big HELL NO in my opinion, unless I knew there were going to be other people there for sure like some kind of get together, and even then I’d be reluctant. heh.
August 15, 2005 at 10:37 pm #127540RabidKittenParticipant*tap, tap tap tap* So you’re getting a lot of mixed bits of advice here, huh, Graham Cracker? *tap tap tap* Well, I imagine that here’s another piece to throw in with the Champloo (Sami needs to take an anime break).
I, am Twenty. When I was Sixteen, a co-worker of my mothers asked me to go and see a movie at the theater with him. He was 45. I was not particularly comfortable with it because A) I didn’t know him that well. B) I didn’t get out that much. C) He was older and I’ve had experiences with older men that’ve made me very wary.
It is a -natural reaction-. To be suspicious of a person who just up and gains interest in you out fo the blue is natural. And it’s also natural for your parents to be suspicious and protective of you. It’s simply your sense of being telling you that hey, this is a little weird…Caution, Danger, Danger Will Robinson!
Here’s the thing…so, the lady doesn’t have friends. She obviously doesn’t have any social skills. She’s in pain, hurting from feeling rejected, ignored and tossed asside. So, of course she’s going to try and cling to anyone who gives her the time of day, concidering it seems like the people in your town aren’t very kindly towards her. This happens all the time. You try to be casually nice to someone who is obviously socially inept and left in the rain, and they cling to you like fly paper.
You are still under your parents roof, under their protection and responsibility, so therefore, basically if they feel uncomfortable about something, you’re pretty well screwed either way you go. But, that doesn’t stop you from being nice to her at work when she comes in, that in itself can go a long way and make her feel like at least she has someone on her side, without getting too personal. Though…gosh getting a guilt trip every day would be a bother. There’s nothing stopping you from trying to focus her on the positive, like how her kids are doing, if they’re excited about school, what you’re doing for school…just general BS chit chat like that since you obviously don’t want or need the burden of her grief.
It’s a sad thing when you are unable to help someone who’s reaching out, due to outstanding circumstances, your parents, your own hesitations, something like that…but the truth of the matter is, I think that overall, she’s just looking for -someone- to listen and be there for her. You can’t hold up all that grief inside, because that’s where we get those unfortunate people who snap and kill themselves or go into downward spirals and the like.
You’re not a bad person for not being able to be there for her. You don’t want her to get the wrong impression, which could very well happen since she’s hurting so badly and would cling to anyone who showed interest, it’s hard to keep things so professional in that manner.
But, there is also nothing wrong with being a casual friend to someone who is older, as long as you’re both comfortable with it. My friends in town here range in age from 18 to 45, and really, I’m more wary around people closer to my age than those who are older now.
But…enough with the introverted thinking stuff…my advice? Decide what you want. Do you want to help her, or not? And remember, you’re not a bad person if you don’t want to. You have your own life, your own problems and you do not want to drown both you and her in her grief. That wouldn’t help anyone.
If you do…there are ways to be there for someone without being so personal. Emails, messages and casual work type meetings are great ways. Also, if she is looking for help, then you can always suggest a place of worship if you think it would help her, take her to church, or something where she’ll be introduced to a welcoming community, and hopefully your community is better than the backstabbing hypacrites here.
There is a vast myriad of things you can do, that are just nice, innocent and can be done at a distance without getting too involved…but you do have to make that decision first. If you’re strong enough, able enough and willing enough to help her. If not, can you find someone who is, such as the community I was speaking of earlier, something of the like.
*shrug* That’s my two bits, my lovely.
August 16, 2005 at 6:22 am #127536EEDOKMemberoh yea I totally forgot the eternal question you should be asking yourself.
Would you hit it?August 16, 2005 at 10:07 am #127541QwertyMemberSince shes a dog, don’t even bother thinking about what you could do. Shut her down nicely and if she persists, unload everything onto her. Eg: go play with ur children you pedo. That would be quite mean howver and very un-chritian.
Instead, go to her house and get out some killer movie about pedophiles and how they are extremely bad. If she does anything to you, fi;m it, tell the media and go on 60 minutes. You will be rich in less than a week.
Give it a shot, eveyone likes money.;)
August 16, 2005 at 12:41 pm #127539TigerbladeParticipantwow… the man is asking for serious help in a serious situation and you come up with “would you hit it” and “go play with ur children you pedo”. that’s real good advice, real good.
det… just be honest with her. do your best to keep very professional, very removed, and simply tell her that your parents didn’t like the idea of you going over there. if she wants to talk about her problems, suggest a local support group, or something of the sort. standard banal chitchat is harmless, but if she starts trying to make it more aggressive, do your best to cut it off. think of it like any other girl that would want to date you that you’re not interested in… “Just friends.”
you’ll get nothing and probably make it worse by lying to her, or by telling her she’s a dog or a pedophile.
August 16, 2005 at 11:06 pm #127534OreoMemberIt just goes to show you Tiger…some people “get it” and some people will stay immature and will never “get it.”
Det, you are a smart guy, you have to go with your gut instinct. If something feels funny about the situation or makes you unsure, then probably it there’s a good reason for it. Don’t mull over this too much. Many, much more confusing situations will meander their way to you throughout the next ten years or so…just keep in mind it gets better in your mid-20’s. 🙂August 17, 2005 at 2:56 am #127529Jeff HesterKeymasterNot to take the situation too lightly, but there is a well-accepted mathematical formula for the allowable age difference in a romantic relationship.
HALF YOUR AGE PLUS SEVEN is the youngest you should date.For those of you who are math-impaired, there’s even a nifty little calculator to let you know the appropriate age range for dating. According to the calculator, if she is 45, she can date someone between 29.5 to 76 years old.An 18 year old could date someone between 16 and 22.
It actually works pretty well, since as you get older, the age difference matters less and less.
As for your situation, I don’t think you have ANYTHING to feel guilty about. She is much too old for you, and certainly old enough to know better. She is supposed to have the maturity to know better, and it looks more like you are the mature one in this situation. Don’t feel bad — you’ve done nothing wrong.
August 17, 2005 at 3:20 am #127545gossipingraeMemberI’m not quite sure about that calculator, for me personally. I’m 21, and I would never date anyone who is under the age of 20, nor would I consider anyone much older, 28 for that matter. I’d say in my age range, 20-24 is perfectly suitable for me.
But this lady is definately too old for you.
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