My girlfriend is blonde so you’ll have to settle for a waiting room joke instead!

I was sitting in the waiting room at the maternity ward when the nurse came out and told the first man that his wife had given birth to twins.

“Well, how apt” the man said, “Seens as I work for Doublemint”.

Half an hour later the nurse emerges again to tell a second man “Well done, Mr Smith, your wife has just given birth to triplets”.

“Well that is appropriate too” says the man with a huge grin “as I work for the 3D company”.

Another man in the corner of the room turned pale and headed for the door.
I asked him what was the matter and he murmured “I think I need a breath of fresh air…I work for 7Up!”

:woot:

Annie Hall likes her politics to be honest and dirty.

Sorry, that belongs on the “outrageous lie” thread and Annie doesn’t!:)

Give it a go, Annie.

One day a guy walks into a bar and then his friend walks into it too.

“Shucks!” they both say together, “we’ll have to sue those builders. That’s dangerous, leaving an iron bar sticking out of the scaffolding like that!”

and says to the barman “Quick! Gimme a beer before the trouble starts!”

The bemused barman looks around the sleepy bar and shrugs to himself, handing the nan a bottle of beer.

The man guzzles the beer down in one and cries “Quick, gimme another beer before the trouble starts!”

The barman frowns quizzically but decides to say nothing and hands the man a second bottle of beer.

This bottle too is consumed at a frightening rate and immediately the man cries “Qick! Gimme another beer before the trouble starts!”

The barman’s frown deepens, this fellow is begining to get on his nerves now, but he decides to say nothing and hands over another bottle of beer.

As soon as this one is empty the man starts his routine again and when he is asked for yet another bottle of beer the barman’s patience finally snaps.

He cries: “Look, pal, exactly what are you talking about here because I don’t see any sign of trouble, infact I don’t see anything going on at all! What kind of trouble are you expecting?”

“I’m expecting trouble because I havn’t got any money to pay for the beers!”

Boom Boom

Thankyou for the compliments, Annie:D

No 11 is excellent.

I’d like to add to that my definition of a “Financial Consultant”.

Someone who spends your money for you and then charges you for the privilege.

boomboom:confused:

Sorry I didn’t notice this thread earlier, Annie.

Yes, you are winning the jokes battle [so far!] but I think you may have an unfair advantage since you list “comedian” as one of your former careers. You are bound to know more jokes than me!:o

I think you’re going to win the Arcade this month too. Have you counted your titles lately? Just left click on your name and it brings a full list up [or list down]:D

A couple are awoken from sleep in the early hours of the morning by a man looking disheveled and desperate.

“I’m sorry to wake you but I really need a push!”

“Go away!” the man says. “It’s 3 oclock in the morning. Get the AA out or something…”

“But I just want a push!” the man on the doorstep wails as the door is closed in his face.

The couple go back to bed and try to sleep but they feel bad about turning away the despairing man outside and they cannot get back to sleep.

Finally the man says to his wife “I’d better go and see if I can help so we can settle down with an easy conscience”. He puts on all his clothes and goes outside to look for the man but he can’t see a broken down car anywhere. He decides the stranger must have got someone else to help him and is about to go back inside when he hears a voice on the other side of the road, coming from the children’s playground.

“Have you come to give me a push?”

There, in the gloom, is the stranger sat waiting expectantly on the swings.

Pete was wondering why his friend Paul was late for work one morning when the site supervisor rushed up to him and said “Peter, you’re friend has just come out of the hospital. He’s had a terrible accident and they have had to amputate both his ears. He’s terribly self-conscious about it so whatever you do, don’t mention his ears!”

Five minutes later Paul walked up to his friend looking very sheepish but ready to begin work when Peter stops him and says, “Well, Paul, I see your eyesight’s improved!”
“My eyesight? What makes you say that?”
“You’re not wearing your glasses!”

Groans!

Over to you, Annie.:D

A young man walks into a car showroom and asks the salesman for the fastest ride he’s got.

He is shown a souped up Jag, told it does 0 – 60 in half a second, and can reach 200 mph with a favourable wind behind it.

“No good” sneers the young man. “I can run faster than that!”

The salesman, losing his cool, takes the young man into a closed off part of the showroom where the bosses’ Dragster sits.

“This was is usually for display purposes only. It can cover a quarter of a mile in a second and if you can keep up with this car by running I’ll give you the keys for nothing!”

“Deal!” shouts the young man.

So they set off on the open highway, man against machine.

The Dragster moves smoothely into second gear, just touching 100mph, and barely getting started in terms of Dragster speed, but the salesman is astonished to look up and see the young man more than holding his own on the other side of the road and receives a cheery wave from his antagonist.

3rd gear, 4th gear, the Dragster is starting to go through it’s paces, the salesman accelerates beyound 200 mph and is astonished again to see that the youngster is still holding in there on the other side of the road.

Getting worried, the salesman really puts his toe down, there is a stench of burning rubber and finally, finally the young man is nowhere to be seen.

He spins the car round and retraces his path until he finds the young man stuck firmly in the middle of the road a few miles back.

“What happened to you?” the salesman asks.

“Have you ever tried running two hundred and fifty miles an hour in a pair of training shoes?”