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- This topic has 67 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 16 years, 5 months ago by AnnieHall.
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September 11, 2007 at 6:00 pm #163143Leapy LeoMember
A nose walks into a bar and offers the barman a pinch of snuff.
“Sorry Nose” replies the barman, “you can’t come in here in that condition”.
“What ‘condition’ is that, pray tell?” asks the Nose hauntily.
“Why, you’re off your face, man!”
Boom! Boom!
September 12, 2007 at 2:15 am #163176AnnieHallParticipant~:confused:~Quote:You’re not winning – it’s just that I’m losingSo … you’re a “Glass is half empty” kinda guy, huh? Maybe that’s why I’m winning …. you’ve had more to drink.:sick:here’s three quickies:A horse walks into a bar … bartender says “Why the long face?”A giraffe walks into a bar and says ‘Highballs are on me.”(most folks would have gone for the more obvious “longneck” pun … but not me):cool:Two blondes walk into a bar …… you’d think the second one would have seen it and ducked.:woot: Barrroom-chee!I admire your stamina, man.;) (but I’m winning)September 12, 2007 at 3:44 pm #163144Leapy LeoMemberA man walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he can have a free drink if he shows him an amazing trick. The bartender agrees so the man pulls a rat out of one pocket and a tiny piano out of the other. The rat cracks his knuckles and proceeds to play some Chopin quite well.
The man downs his drink then says “If I can show you an even better trick can I have free drinks all night?”
Thinking nothing can possibly surpass the first trick the bartender agrees to this.
The man produces the rat and the piano again but this time he also produces a bullfrog who, amazingly, begins to sing along with the piano accompaniment.
Much later, when the man is well into his cups, a stranger approaches and offers to buy the bullfrog for £10,000. The man refuses, saying that nothing could induce him to part with the frog.
Some bartering goes on until the offer is raised to a quarter of a million pounds at which point the man relents and hands over his beloved frog.
“Why did you do that?” the horrified barman protests. “You could have made millions with a frog that can sing like that!”
“No, not really” says the man as he cooly pockets the cash. “You see the rat is a ventriloquist!”
Boom Boom
Stanima? Is that another phrase for being boring?:D
September 13, 2007 at 7:37 am #163177AnnieHallParticipantI liked that one!:D
And no …. stamina means staying power or stick-to-ativeness, which I suppose could be boring in some cases but not in this one. At least not to me.
Meanwhile back at the bar….
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and orders a beer.
The bartender says “I’m sorry, but we dont serve beers to bears in bars in Billings.”
The bear says “But I really want a beer …. pleeeeze?”
The bartender reinterates “We dont serve beers to bears in bars in Billings”
The bear looks down at the end of the bar and sees a woman sitting alone. He says “If you don’t serve me a beer right now I’m going to gobble that woman up.”
“I’m telling ya for the last time” says the bartender, “We don’t serve beers to bears in bars in Billings!”
So the bear gobbles the woman up, wipes his chin, belches and then he says ” Look man I warned you …. now serve me a beer!”
The bartender says “No way man …. we certainly dont serve beers to bears on drugs in bars in billings.”
“On drugs?!?!?” exclaims the bear, “What the heck are you talkin about?!”
The bartender says “Dont you know? ….. That was a bar-bitch-you-ate.”
(barbituate … get it?):woot:
I know I know … long way to go for a pun.:o
I crack me up!:p
September 13, 2007 at 8:17 am #163162ShrekMemberLong one for a joke but funny.
CHEERS!
September 13, 2007 at 3:25 pm #163145Leapy LeoMemberand says to the barman “Quick! Gimme a beer before the trouble starts!”
The bemused barman looks around the sleepy bar and shrugs to himself, handing the nan a bottle of beer.
The man guzzles the beer down in one and cries “Quick, gimme another beer before the trouble starts!”
The barman frowns quizzically but decides to say nothing and hands the man a second bottle of beer.
This bottle too is consumed at a frightening rate and immediately the man cries “Qick! Gimme another beer before the trouble starts!”
The barman’s frown deepens, this fellow is begining to get on his nerves now, but he decides to say nothing and hands over another bottle of beer.
As soon as this one is empty the man starts his routine again and when he is asked for yet another bottle of beer the barman’s patience finally snaps.
He cries: “Look, pal, exactly what are you talking about here because I don’t see any sign of trouble, infact I don’t see anything going on at all! What kind of trouble are you expecting?”
“I’m expecting trouble because I havn’t got any money to pay for the beers!”
Boom Boom
Thankyou for the compliments, Annie:D
September 13, 2007 at 11:36 pm #163178AnnieHallParticipant:p
(.V.)
) (Well … this bar is really starting to fill up. So far we are having drinks with one millionaire, one pennyless neurotic, two blondes, a rat, a frog, a horse, a giraffe, a bear who swallowed a bar fly, (I don’t know why he swallowed the fly, perhaps he’ll die) and a faceless nose.
Of course it was just a matter of time before …. you guessed it …. a whore walked into our bar.
So … here we go…..A whore walks into a bar and says to a guy “For $50 I’ll do anything you want.”
The fellow replies “50? … Hell I’ll give you 200.”
“200?”she asks, “What do I have to do for 200?”
“Well…” he says, ” you’re going to have to let me beat you a little.”
With understandable reservations she says “Beat me?!?” ….”Gosh I don’t know ….. for how long?”
He says “Till you give me my money back.”
BA-DA BANG!!:woot:
September 14, 2007 at 5:49 am #163147Leapy LeoMemberSitting all alone in a corner of the crowded bar is an old friend of the barman who looks throroughly miserable.
“Hey man, what’s the matter? You got the blues?”
“You could say that!”
“What’s up?”
“I’ve had a terrible month!”
“What happened?”
“Three months ago my father died and left me £25,000”.
“Oh I’m sorry to hear that!”
“Two months ago my mother died leaving me £10,000”
“Oh my God. That’s tragic!”
“Then one month ago my Aunt died leaving me £15,000”.
“That’s terrible. Three family deaths in three months. No wonder you’re feeling down! But you said this has been a terrible month”.
“Yes, this month I’ve had nothing, not a penny!”
………….
Sorry about that one.:woot:
September 14, 2007 at 8:00 pm #163180AnnieHallParticipantQ. What’s the difference between a harley and a hoover?A. Different location of the dirt bag(I told that one during bike week in Daytona Beach, FL. :p Being short and cute keeps me from getting beat up.)Ba-Da BOOM!:woot:September 14, 2007 at 8:38 pm #163146Leapy LeoMemberAnnie Hall likes her politics to be honest and dirty.
Sorry, that belongs on the “outrageous lie” thread and Annie doesn’t!:)
Give it a go, Annie.
One day a guy walks into a bar and then his friend walks into it too.
“Shucks!” they both say together, “we’ll have to sue those builders. That’s dangerous, leaving an iron bar sticking out of the scaffolding like that!”
September 15, 2007 at 12:51 am #163179AnnieHallParticipantposted by me on 9-11-07Quote:Two blondes walk into a bar …… you’d think the second one would have seen it and ducked.Quote:posted by Leaky Leo todayQuote:One day a guy walks into a bar and then his friend walks into it too.“Shucks!” they both say together, “we’ll have to sue those builders. That’s dangerous, leaving an iron bar sticking out of the scaffolding like that!”Flag on the play ….. 15 yard penalty for telling the same (almost exactly but I think my vesion was funnier) joke.:p lol!Technically it’s still your turn but since you had a problem with mine being so short (the irony of that statement I trust is not wasted) here’s another shorty…Q. How many vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb?A. (very loud and angry) 😡 YOU DON’T NO MAN, CUZ YOU WEREN’T THERE!!!!September 15, 2007 at 11:12 am #163163ShrekMember@AnnieHall 222908 wrote:
:p
(.V.)
) (Well … this bar is really starting to fill up. So far we are having drinks with one millionaire, one pennyless neurotic, two blondes, a rat, a frog, a horse, a giraffe, a bear who swallowed a bar fly, (I don’t know why he swallowed the fly, perhaps he’ll die) and a faceless nose.
Of course it was just a matter of time before …. you guessed it …. a whore walked into our bar.
So … here we go…..A whore walks into a bar and says to a guy “For $50 I’ll do anything you want.”
The fellow replies “50? … Hell I’ll give you 200.”
“200?”she asks, “What do I have to do for 200?”
“Well…” he says, ” you’re going to have to let me beat you a little.”
With understandable reservations she says “Beat me?!?” ….”Gosh I don’t know ….. for how long?”
He says “Till you give me my money back.”
BA-DA BANG!!:woot:
Hahaha …… Nice one
September 16, 2007 at 8:51 pm #163148Leapy LeoMemberI’m sorry about my post and the fact that the comments about Annie’s politics make no sense at all.
That’ll teach me to log in whilst intoxicated!:o
September 17, 2007 at 10:07 am #163181AnnieHallParticipant=#=#~*_:woot:_*~#=#=Shrek thank you for the compliment… thats my favorite “whore walks into a bar” joke, too.And Leapy … I dont know about your jokes but, the more you drink the funnier mine get.:cool:
Now …. lets do blonde jokes.
Q. What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A. A Golden Retriever
Ba-Da Boing!:p
September 17, 2007 at 12:19 pm #163149Leapy LeoMemberMy girlfriend is blonde so you’ll have to settle for a waiting room joke instead!
I was sitting in the waiting room at the maternity ward when the nurse came out and told the first man that his wife had given birth to twins.
“Well, how apt” the man said, “Seens as I work for Doublemint”.
Half an hour later the nurse emerges again to tell a second man “Well done, Mr Smith, your wife has just given birth to triplets”.
“Well that is appropriate too” says the man with a huge grin “as I work for the 3D company”.
Another man in the corner of the room turned pale and headed for the door.
I asked him what was the matter and he murmured “I think I need a breath of fresh air…I work for 7Up!”:woot:
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