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September 17, 2007 at 2:18 pm #163182AnnieHallParticipant>>>>:woot:<<<<
My girlfriend is blonde so you’ll have to settle for a waiting room joke instead!
Why? …. Cuz she wont get it?
Sorry man …. I couldn’t resist.:o
I crack me up!
September 22, 2007 at 5:37 am #163184AnnieHallParticipant*^*^”:sick:”^*^*Hillary Clinton is taking a tour of a new hospital. As she and the doctors walk down a hospital corridor, Hillary looks in a room and notices a male patient lying in bed and “pleasuring himself”. :confused:Appalled, Hillary says to the doctors “That is disgusting!”“Oh no Mrs. Clinton, you don’t understand.” one of the doctor’s explains, “This man has a very rare condition. His semen is poison and if he doesn’t relieve himself 5 times a day he’ll die.”“Oh I see … well alright then” says Hillary and they continue on with the tour.A little further down that same hallway she notices in another room a man lying in bed. This time the man has a nurse on top of him just humping his brains out.:eek:Shocked, Hillary exclaims, “That is disgraceful! What kind of place are you running here?!?”“Oh no Mrs. Clinton, you don’t understand” Once again the doctor explains,
“this man has that same condition, ……. but he’s got insurance.”BA-DA Bang!:woot:September 24, 2007 at 8:10 pm #163185AnnieHallParticipant?_?_?~:confused:~?_?_?Is that all you got?!?!?😎DID I WIN?!?!?:woot:
September 24, 2007 at 8:26 pm #163135sarahtownyMemberMy dearest Annie, did you ever hear the term quality not quantity … :p
Ok before you throw me into the next century here is my little entry.
A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long long time.
That’d make a good story she decided.
So she drove to the wall and sure enough, there was the elderly gent, praying away. She watched him for an hour and, as he turned to leave, approached him for an interview.
“Rebecca Smith, CNN” she said. “Sir”, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall to pray?”
“Sixty years.”
“Sixty years! Amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace between Christians, Jews and Muslims. I pray for all hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.”
“So how do you feel after doing this for so long?”
“Like I am talking to a bloody wall!”
But my all time fave always makes me giggle which I know is not hard (no comments please!)
A Darlek was rolling down a street when it saw a petrol pump in a garage forecourt. Pow! Love at first sight.
The darlek approached the pump. “I love you.” it announced.
A few moments passed but there was no reply.
“I love you,” the darlek repeated.
Again nothing.
“I LOVE YOU!” the darlek shouted getting very desperate.
Still no reply. “Look,” complained the darlek, “I’m laying my heart on the line here. At the very least you could take your finger out of your ear and listen to what I am saying.
Boom boom! In the wise words of basil brush :0) The greatest British comedian.
September 25, 2007 at 7:27 am #163183AnnieHallParticipant~*~*~:p~*~*~My dearest Annie, did you ever hear the term quality not quantity …
Yes, my dearest Sarah, I have heard that saying.
What’s your point?:confused:Leaky Leeeeoooooooo…… where are you?:cool:
September 25, 2007 at 11:59 am #163164ShrekMemberAs Prince Charles drives through the gate of her mother’s palace when all of a sudden he heard a thud! He gets out of the car and one of his mum’s dog is laying lifeless on the side of the road. The dog is dead. Prince Charles is totally scared as the queen is going to give him real shi@.
Next to the dog is a lamp, so Prince Charles picks up the lamp and rubs it. Out comes a genie and says “I will grant you one wish”. Prince Charles still upset says “can you bring my mum’s dog back to life?” The genie looks at the dog and says “No he is pretty mutilated and I cannot grant that wish. But you can wish something else”.
Prince Charles thinks about it for a second and says to the genie “my first wife Diana was so beautiful” as he says this he pulls out a picture of his new wife and asks the genie “this is my new wife Camilla, can you make her as beautiful as my first wife Diana?”
The genie looks at the picture and says “Let me have another look at that dog”.
September 25, 2007 at 3:35 pm #163150Leapy LeoMemberAnnieHall;223293 wrote:~*~*~:p~*~*~Leaky Leeeeoooooooo…… where are you?:cool:
Why don’t you come on one of my threads, AnnieHaaaallll. We could tell outrageous lies about each other. What fun we could have then!
Okay, okay, a joke…
I was once dating a girl called Claire who put a bar of galaxy in the pocket of her shorts.
It was high summer and by the time she remembered the bar of chocolate it had melted all down her thigh.
One of her friends asked me faceciously why I didn’t lick the chocolate off.
I said “because I’ve never particularly liked choclatey Claires”.
Boom Boom.
Yeh, cringe-worthy, I know.
:woot:
September 26, 2007 at 3:50 am #163186AnnieHallParticipant:woot: :woot: :woot:Very punny Leo!!! I love that one!!Is that a true story? … Did you write that?I love a pun, I do, I really, really do!Some say it’s the lowest form of humor …(and perhaps that’s what I like about it) …apparently those who say that have never seen Carrot Top.:sick:You’re going to think this is silly (and thats only because it is silly) but year before last my entire family (8 of us in two cars) drove to florida and spent christmas at Disney World. I was in charge of coming up with a slogan to put on a T-shirt to memorialize our adventure. What I came up with is my longest and most spectacular pun…“SuperGalaMasacisticXmasFamilyRoadTrip”I’m really kinda proud of that one.:DSeptember 28, 2007 at 12:13 pm #163165ShrekMemberJohn was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
“Give me one last request, dear,” he said.
“Of course, John,” his wife said softly.
“Six months after I die,” he said, “I want you to marry Bob.”
“But I thought you hated Bob,” she said.
With his last breath John said, “I do!”
September 28, 2007 at 12:57 pm #163151Leapy LeoMemberAnnieHall;223321 wrote::woot: :woot: :woot:Very punny Leo!!! I love that one!!Is that a true story? … Did you write that?I love a pun, I do, I really, really do!No, I can’t take any credit for that one, I read it in one of those “Confessions” novels that were all the rage at the time [70’s].Odd that you should like it so much [if you’re not pulling my leg, here] because I remember that it absolutely cracked up a friend of mine, he was literally holding his sides with laughing so much, but I never bothered telling it to anybody else until now because I didn’t think it was all that funny.
Shows how much I know!
You’re going to think this is silly (and thats only because it is silly) but year before last my entire family (8 of us in two cars) drove to florida and spent christmas at Disney World. I was in charge of coming up with a slogan to put on a T-shirt to memorialize our adventure. What I came up with is my longest and most spectacular pun…“SuperGalaMasacisticXmasFamilyRoadTrip”I’m really kinda proud of that one.:DAnd so you should be, Annie!
Shrek, your joke was in even worse taste that my “grieving” relative one. Shame on you..:D
September 29, 2007 at 8:38 am #163187AnnieHallParticipant~~~:woot:~~~A Texan is walking along the gulf coast and sees a sign that says “World Tours – $20”. The texan says “That’s a purdy good deal!” The texan gives the guy $20 and the guy hits him over the head with a piece of driftwood, puts him on an innertube and casts him out to sea.Shortly along comes a cajun fellow from Louisiana. He sees the same sign and says “World tours $20? I tell you me! Dat a purty good deal!” So the cajun gives the guy $20 and, again, the guy hits him over the head with a piece of driftwood, puts him on an innertube and casts him out to sea.The next morning the texan and the cajun are floating, side by side, out in the middle of the ocean. The cajun wakes up and says “I wonder if dey serve breakfast on dis tour.”And the texan says “They didn’t last year.”:confused:BA-DA BING!:woot:September 29, 2007 at 3:15 pm #163152Leapy LeoMemberAnnie, I hope you noticed my answer within your quote on my earlier post. I did it in Bold type but it’s still easy to miss.
Here’s one for Shrek:
A farmer and his newly wed wife had the girl’s mother around demanding an inspection of their farmstead but whilst they were walking around the yard the mother got too close to the farmer’s mule. The mule kicked back at her suddenly, catching her cleanly in the head and killing her stone dead on the spot.
At the funeral the farmer stood by the casket greeting the mourners who came to pay their last respects to the poor woman’s remains.
The priest noticed that as all the women approached and whispered something to the farmer he would nod his head respectfully but as all the men approached and went through the same procedure he would shake his head vigourously.
After the service the priest asked the farmer what had been going on.
“Well, you see father, all the women said “What a terrible tragedy” and I would agree with them, but then the men would approach and ask me if the mule is available for hire and I had to say “You’ve got no chance. He’s booked up for the next year!””
OUCH!:woot:
September 30, 2007 at 12:27 am #163188AnnieHallParticipant+^+^:D^+^+A kindergarten pupil told his teacher that he had found a cat but that the cat was dead when he found it.“How do you know the cat was dead?” the teacher asked.Innocently, the child answers “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move.”“You did WHAT?!?!?” 😮 the teacher exclaims.“You know,” the child explains, “I leaned over and went ‘pssst’ and it didn’t move.”How cute is that?🙂September 30, 2007 at 8:25 am #163189AnnieHallParticipantLeapy Leo;223434 wrote:Annie, I hope you noticed my answer within your quote on my earlier post. I did it in Bold type but it’s still easy to miss.Yes, I did see your answer, thanks. And no, I wasn’t yanking your chain …. I really did think it was funny.
Ya know, even after touring the country doing stand up, I’m still surprized by what folks will or wont find funny. Several times I’ve thought of a joke or “bit” that I doubted would fly but decided to give it a go and it ended up killing. Sometimes, what my friends and I think is hysterical, will cause an audience to silently stare at me like a calf lookin’ at a new gate.:confused:
It seems there are just no rules …. except that words with a ‘K’ sound in them get a better laugh than words without. Of course there are exceptions to every rule … and the exception here being that “C” word that most women hate so much.:rolleyes:
Weird huh?
September 30, 2007 at 3:01 pm #163136MrEggsaladParticipantAnnieHall;223448 wrote:+^+^:D^+^+A kindergarten pupil told his teacher that he had found a cat but that the cat was dead when he found it.“How do you know the cat was dead?” the teacher asked.Innocently, the child answers “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move.”“You did WHAT?!?!?” 😮 the teacher exclaims.“You know,” the child explains, “I leaned over and went ‘pssst’ and it didn’t move.”How cute is that?🙂Hah, now that’s a good one :p
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