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August 3, 2007 at 8:55 am #27429ShrekMember
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Giggle for healthy life
From: GigglePediaAugust 4, 2007 at 3:55 pm #163137Leapy LeoMemberBest joke from UK?
What do you call a donkey with three legs?
A wonkey.
Wah-Hey! Let’s hear it for British humour!!
August 29, 2007 at 5:55 pm #163169AnnieHallParticipantThe Pope is working a crossword puzzle and gets stuck on a clue. He decides to seek the help of a passing cardinal.
“Psst’ the Pope whispers to the cardinal, “Can you think of a four letter word for a woman that ends with U-N-T?”:confused:
…….
The cardinal thinks for a moment, and then after some pondering says “I’ve got it! ….AUNT!”
……..
The pope says “Got an eraser?”:o+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+
“Aunt” didn’t occur to me and I am one.
BA-DA BING!
~AnnieSeptember 5, 2007 at 1:01 pm #163138Leapy LeoMemberA young man walks into a car showroom and asks the salesman for the fastest ride he’s got.
He is shown a souped up Jag, told it does 0 – 60 in half a second, and can reach 200 mph with a favourable wind behind it.
“No good” sneers the young man. “I can run faster than that!”
The salesman, losing his cool, takes the young man into a closed off part of the showroom where the bosses’ Dragster sits.
“This was is usually for display purposes only. It can cover a quarter of a mile in a second and if you can keep up with this car by running I’ll give you the keys for nothing!”
“Deal!” shouts the young man.
So they set off on the open highway, man against machine.
The Dragster moves smoothely into second gear, just touching 100mph, and barely getting started in terms of Dragster speed, but the salesman is astonished to look up and see the young man more than holding his own on the other side of the road and receives a cheery wave from his antagonist.
3rd gear, 4th gear, the Dragster is starting to go through it’s paces, the salesman accelerates beyound 200 mph and is astonished again to see that the youngster is still holding in there on the other side of the road.
Getting worried, the salesman really puts his toe down, there is a stench of burning rubber and finally, finally the young man is nowhere to be seen.
He spins the car round and retraces his path until he finds the young man stuck firmly in the middle of the road a few miles back.
“What happened to you?” the salesman asks.
“Have you ever tried running two hundred and fifty miles an hour in a pair of training shoes?”
September 5, 2007 at 4:34 pm #163170AnnieHallParticipant~+^+^+^+^:p^+^+^+^+~An Elderly woman, thinking about getting viagra for her husband, asks her pharmacist “Does that stuff really work?”The pharmacist, being an old guy himself, replies “Yes ma’am, I use it and it works great!”So the woman asks “Can you get it over the counter?”The Pharmacist says “Yes, …… but, I have to take two of them.”BA-DA Bing!
:woot:~AnnieSeptember 7, 2007 at 2:04 pm #163139Leapy LeoMemberHere’s a joke to counter that [Chortle!]
The boss at my firm is very fussy about people leaving the area around the printer untidy.
The other day I returned from a toilet break to find everything I had just printed off thrown into the bin.
“I told you” said the boss, “anything left by the printer over 24 hours old goes straight in the bin”.
“But it wasn’t 24 hours old” I protested. “I only printed it off 5 minutes ago!”
“Ah, but I’m not in work tomorrow!”
September 7, 2007 at 5:12 pm #163171AnnieHallParticipant~*~*~*~:confused:~*~*~*~Here’s one my accountant told me …( that should lower your expectations a bit)Early one morning Jack and Fred, two construction workers, are talking about how over worked and tired they have been lately. Jack bets Ed a weeks pay that he can get the boss to give him the day off. Knowing what a slave driver the boss is, Ed agrees to the bet and the two shake on it.
Just then the boss pulls up and gets out of his truck. Jack goes and climbs up a ladder and onto beam over head. Wrapping his legs around the beam, Jack hangs upside down and begins to swing back and forth. The boss asks Ed if he knows what Jack’s is doing and Ed just shrugs his shoulders. So the boss yells up at Jack, ‘What the heck are you doing?”
Jack replies “I’m a lightbulb!” Well, seeing that Jack has clearly snapped, the boss announces that he’s sending him home to rest.
Apon hearing this news Ed begins to pack up his stuff too. The boss inquires, “Just where do you think you’re going?”
Ed says “Well, …. I can’t be expected to work in the dark.”:cool:Ba-Da Bing!
:woot: ~AnnieOkay Leo your turn …:pSeptember 7, 2007 at 8:39 pm #163140Leapy LeoMemberPete was wondering why his friend Paul was late for work one morning when the site supervisor rushed up to him and said “Peter, you’re friend has just come out of the hospital. He’s had a terrible accident and they have had to amputate both his ears. He’s terribly self-conscious about it so whatever you do, don’t mention his ears!”
Five minutes later Paul walked up to his friend looking very sheepish but ready to begin work when Peter stops him and says, “Well, Paul, I see your eyesight’s improved!”
“My eyesight? What makes you say that?”
“You’re not wearing your glasses!”Groans!
Over to you, Annie.:DSeptember 8, 2007 at 1:47 am #163172AnnieHallParticipant~/=_:confused:_/=~An elderly man goes to the doctor for a complete physical. At the end of this very thorough exam the doctor hands the old guy a jar and says “We need a semen sample. Please bring that back with you tomorrow.”Well, the next day the man shows up at the doctors office with the jar but the jar is still empty. The Doctor asks him what happened.“Doc, I tried.” , he says, “I tried with my right hand and with my left …. then I asked my wife for help. So, she tried with her right hand and her left. Then, bless her heart, she even tried with her mouth …. teeth in and teeth out. …… Neither one of us could get the dang lid off the jar!”Ba-da BING! Ba-Da BANG! Ba-Da BOOM!:woot:… and “TAG” … you’re it!
:p ~AnnieSeptember 9, 2007 at 7:10 pm #163141Leapy LeoMemberHere’s a short one that my youngest son told me:
Q. What do you call a fly with no wings?
A. A walk.
Q. What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs?
A. A stay.
September 9, 2007 at 8:04 pm #163173AnnieHallParticipantQ. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. no idear
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still, no idear
Q. How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A. Unique up on him.
Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A. The tame way
Ba-Da BING!
~AnnieGot more?
September 10, 2007 at 8:32 am #163161ShrekMemberUK best joke from 2002 Joke competition – the winner, submitted by Gurpal Gosall, of Manchester, England was:
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line.
He says: “OK, now what?”
September 10, 2007 at 8:47 am #163174AnnieHallParticipantLOL @ shrek!:D
Here’s one about the biggest joke in the U.S.A.
Q. What do you do if you see George Bush running at you with half a face?
A. reload! :woot:
…. and by the way, he didn’t win in my town. Kerry licked Bush in Austin!
Ba-Da BING!
:woot: ~AnnieSeptember 10, 2007 at 4:01 pm #163142Leapy LeoMemberA couple are awoken from sleep in the early hours of the morning by a man looking disheveled and desperate.
“I’m sorry to wake you but I really need a push!”
“Go away!” the man says. “It’s 3 oclock in the morning. Get the AA out or something…”
“But I just want a push!” the man on the doorstep wails as the door is closed in his face.
The couple go back to bed and try to sleep but they feel bad about turning away the despairing man outside and they cannot get back to sleep.
Finally the man says to his wife “I’d better go and see if I can help so we can settle down with an easy conscience”. He puts on all his clothes and goes outside to look for the man but he can’t see a broken down car anywhere. He decides the stranger must have got someone else to help him and is about to go back inside when he hears a voice on the other side of the road, coming from the children’s playground.
“Have you come to give me a push?”
There, in the gloom, is the stranger sat waiting expectantly on the swings.
September 11, 2007 at 3:40 am #163175AnnieHallParticipant:pOk … so …. this guy is trapped on a deserted island with super model Cindy Crawford. No one else around, just him and the voluptuous Cindy Crawford. Very soon a romantic relationship develops between them. The lucky schmuck is getting to bump uglies with Cindy Crawford every day. He’s a happy guy for a while then, one day Cindy notices a drastic change in his mood.
She asks him “What’s wrong?
“Aww nothing.’ he replies.
“Come on,” Cindy insists. “I can tell something is wrong. Please let me help. There must be something I can do.’
“Well maybe” he mutters.
Cindy, eager to improve his mood, says “You name it honey … I’ll do whatever you ask.”
So, he dresses her all up in his clothes. Then he draws a little mustache on her and tells her “Stay right here….. I’ll be right back.”
Then the guy walks all the way around the island. Casually he walks up beside Cindy Crawford,
nudges her and says, “Hey buddy …. you are not gonna believe who I’m sleeping with!!”:woot: BA-DA BING!!
You give up?:cool:
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