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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.
“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”Holmes is silent for a moment. “Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
A guy goes to see his doctor and says, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
“That’s a pretty big decision.” says the doctor.
“Have you talked it over with your family?”
“Yeah.” says the guy. “They’re in favor 15-2.”
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
“Give me one last request, dear,” he said.
“Of course, John,” his wife said softly.
“Six months after I die,” he said, “I want you to marry Bob.”
“But I thought you hated Bob,” she said.
With his last breath John said, “I do!”
As Prince Charles drives through the gate of her mother’s palace when all of a sudden he heard a thud! He gets out of the car and one of his mum’s dog is laying lifeless on the side of the road. The dog is dead. Prince Charles is totally scared as the queen is going to give him real shi@.
Next to the dog is a lamp, so Prince Charles picks up the lamp and rubs it. Out comes a genie and says “I will grant you one wish”. Prince Charles still upset says “can you bring my mum’s dog back to life?” The genie looks at the dog and says “No he is pretty mutilated and I cannot grant that wish. But you can wish something else”.
Prince Charles thinks about it for a second and says to the genie “my first wife Diana was so beautiful” as he says this he pulls out a picture of his new wife and asks the genie “this is my new wife Camilla, can you make her as beautiful as my first wife Diana?”
The genie looks at the picture and says “Let me have another look at that dog”.
@AnnieHall 222908 wrote:
:p
(.V.)
) (Well … this bar is really starting to fill up. So far we are having drinks with one millionaire, one pennyless neurotic, two blondes, a rat, a frog, a horse, a giraffe, a bear who swallowed a bar fly, (I don’t know why he swallowed the fly, perhaps he’ll die) and a faceless nose.
Of course it was just a matter of time before …. you guessed it …. a whore walked into our bar.
So … here we go…..A whore walks into a bar and says to a guy “For $50 I’ll do anything you want.”
The fellow replies “50? … Hell I’ll give you 200.”
“200?”she asks, “What do I have to do for 200?”
“Well…” he says, ” you’re going to have to let me beat you a little.”
With understandable reservations she says “Beat me?!?” ….”Gosh I don’t know ….. for how long?”
He says “Till you give me my money back.”
BA-DA BANG!!:woot:
Hahaha …… Nice one
UK best joke from 2002 Joke competition – the winner, submitted by Gurpal Gosall, of Manchester, England was:
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line.
He says: “OK, now what?”
